I Read Cosmo for the Articles

My wife subscribes to Cosmopolitan. She allows me to read her old issues once she’s done, so I still get to read them, although sometimes it’s a few months late. She just left me a pile of this year’s issues so I’ve been on a sartorial bender this weekend. Here’s a few thoughts to help you refine your fashion skills.

The Sex Articles. The sex articles sell issues with those flirty headlines that you wish your kids wouldn’t read out loud. Funny thing is, all those articles are the same. Read a few issues in a row and you realize that all they do is change the title on those for new issues. Huh. Turns out that all the knowledge about sex that Cosmo claims is so new and cool is the same old stuff that’s been around forever. Think Fifty Shades of Ancient Egypt.


Quiz Time. I took the quiz Do You Know When to Go With Your Gut? I didn’t score top billing but landed right in the middle with “In Sync With Your Senses”. It’s hard answering some of those questions from a dude’s point-of-view.

Fashion Time. There was an article titled The Clothes He Can’t Resist. I thought I’d go through it and see how much I agree.

  1. Which is sexier…Pointy toe or round toe heels? I agreed with the round toe heels. Pointy shoes make me think of a wicked witch for some reason.
  2. Which is sexier…A plunging v-neck or a bralet? Yup. The plunging V. Let me caution here though. Like spandex, a plunging V is a privilege and not a right. Some of you might be bearing skin that just isn’t fit for public viewing.
  3. Which is sexier…Cotton lace or sheer chiffon? I agree once again with the cotton lace. Sheer chiffon is just so often done very wrong.
  4. Which is sexier…A snug minidress or one that’s soft and flowy? Yup. The snug minidress. Soft and flowy just makes you look bigger than you should and also carries the danger of creating a hippie vibe. With the snug minidress please read the v-neck caution above.
  5. Which is sexier…A chic blazer or leather jacket? Yeah, go with the dead cow. The word blazer conjures images of Milli Vanilli style shoulder pads.
  6. Which is sexier…Bare shoulders or a bare midriff? Definitely the shoulders. Although a bare midriff can be incredibly cute at times, there are just so many time and places it’s simply not appropriate.
  7. Which is sexier…Supershort shorts or a micromini skirt? This questions assumes that for either that you have legs worth showing off. If you don’t, well…don’t wear them. If you do, the skirt adds a certain level of elegance that you could never achieve with shorts.
  8. Which is sexier…Skinny or boot cut jeans? I’m gonna side with the magazine again and go with the skinny’s. They’re so effortless to make sexy. Boot cut jeans run a huge risk of making you look a little too manly. Pair them with brown Timberland’s, and I’m running the other direction.

Last Minute Fashion Tip. While there are some incredibly sexy garments that have shiny beads, bedazzles, and scales on them, please buy clothing that doesn’t shed the shiny things at first glance. From a guy’s point-of-view, we hate finding little shiny things all over the house, in the car, and wherever else they migrate to.

*Disclaimer- Everything I Know About Fashion I Learned from the Military, Watching Porn, Stealing My Wife’s Old Fashion Mags, Reading Comic Books, and Ron Swanson.

2 thoughts on “I Read Cosmo for the Articles

  1. Pingback: Don’t Worry About the Roommate. You Know Where They Sleep at Night. « Mastering the Art of Living

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